I jotted down notes i can almost read... for Richard and Erin and anyone else who knows enough Eddie Izzard to understand the flow :)
Starts off talking about San Francisco... He was the Patron Saint of Cheese or something, and died in a tractor accident.
Rants about Saints and what they are the Patron Saint of... When a good man was "grilled to death" they gave him Patron Saint of Cooking.
"I am a transvestite. That is my sexuality but I'll wear what the fuck I want. I'm an Off-duty TV.
I don't believe in God. I see randomness.
With the combined Good Will of 6.5 Billion people ... well you could do something with that.
George Bush's 'no one left behind' project.
In the Battle of Hastings, the weavers were the photo journalists of the time. 'No wait, don't move... i just gotta get that armor right ... oh now you've done it.'
World is 4.5 Billion years old.
Jesus was the first son. Then there was Bezus, Cezus, Dezus, Ezus, Gezus ...
There was no reason to be late in the Stone Age. There was no obesity. No one obsessed about their Gluteus Maximus. 'Hold me over that pond, i want to see what i look like.' Run, Run, Run...'fuck i look great!'
GPS was Global Positioning Stone.
100,000 years ago, there was no language. SCRABBLE had no rules.
Dyslexia? why can't you suffer from something simple, like 'Cat'?
"yogurt" is a Norse word. They raped and pillaged and stopped on the beach looking for a frozen yogurt stand.
Tennis .. why is 'love' = zero?
Noah's Ark ... 'Right, we have 2 tigers, 2 badgers, 2 mice, 2 weasels, 2 squirrels ... What do we have so far?'
'2 tigers . . .'
Egyptians were all killed in a car wreck.
Democracy and Death ... that's the Greeks.
Spartans optimized the City State.
iTunes keeps asking if i Agree with them. Surely they know by now that i Agree with them But you like when you say you have read the Terms and Conditions.
How do you start a PC? You have to take a 78-rpm record of Caruso singing "spreadsheets .... crunching numbers is exciting...' Tom Waits sings vibrato ...
So the Ancient Greeks died in a car crash.
So the Romans took all the classical Democracy or Death... Join Us Or Die.
Aqueducts, viaducts, more ducks wandered the Empire than had ever done before. Women ran the Empire ... with Poison. 'Oh you think you are going to the Forum tonight, dear? Drink this...'
The Romans all died in a chariot crash.
Darwin wrote a book called "Monkey, Monkey : Monkey, You'
Haricot Verts, creme bruilée ...fuck, i'm not eating it! Fucking Badgers.
So Badgers can be choosers.
Intelligent Design has 2 problems:
1. is the intelligence part of it
Cows have 4 stomachs?
2. the other is the design part of it
eat food = do stuff
crops grow because they want to
we have :
... we are waiting for grass?
Moses - leave this desert and ... go to another desert.
Right... where'd you get this idea?
A burning hedge?
The photo journalists are all here. The weavers are here.
plague of frogs? a lot of frogs...h,,,
Flies, locusts ...
Plague of helicopters
Plague of geraniums
Frogs playing cannasta
Get them in the suites and put them in the ... Dezus, Bezus... we need help here.
Don't eat spoons
Don't piss on the toast
Don't shout awfully loud
Rules for Squirrels:
Eat nuts quietly
Keep your tail clean.
Run up a tree if you see danger.
Don't get on boats.
The Golden Calf ushered in:
The Age of Smelted metal and industrail processes.
Don't worship False Idols or Fried Eggs.
Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you.
Thou shalt not covet... oh please...
Vote Barak Obama
Travel the world and never see a Canadian.
You went to the Moon!
We built ... soup.